I Am 13 Going on 18, Suddenly in Forks
by IzzyPure
Summary: So I wake up one day...in Forks as a 17 year old. I go to high school though I'd rather be on FanFiction and meet the Cullens! And I'm not sweet little Bella. Okay, I'm sweet and little, but not to witches-with-a-b! I immediatly go to the Cullens to stay away from weirdo Jessica and they know something is diffrent about me. It's kind of ironic, at least I'm not a fictional vampire!
1. Chapter 1- First Sight of da VAMPIRES!

**(A/N Probs no one will read this but whatever. I don't expect reviews either so...Anyway. This is me replacing Bella, being awesome which is awesome. It might be really bad so sorry. But I hope you enjoy this crazy Isabella Pure in her journey through vampire world. Oh**

**Funniest Thing I heard in a while which is sad: "That's a spicy meatball!"**

** My mom said that walking out of the pharmacy having medicine for my step dad. Were we having spagetti for dinner? No. Weirdo Mommio. , so enjoy!)**

I stare at the mirror in my purple room, raising a hand, pressing it against the cold glass. It can't be... I'm 17! AWESOME! My usually short brown hair is now to my chest. My hair is pretty I suppose. It is brown, but gets reds and golds in it in the sun. My brown eyes are wide. I look...like Bella! Weird. I mean, I've always kind of looked like her. Brown hair, redish in the sun, brown eyes, petite, and thin. I think I'm TOO thin though. It hurts my butt bone to sit on the ground, my spin to lie on the floor without a blanket or rug. But, I eat huge desserts every night so nothing I can do about my bony a double s.

And now I'm waking up, at 5'2, I'm estimating. My height was 5'1 if you're being nice, but that was when I was 13. Soooo maybe I'm 5'3. That would be awesome! I'm taller then my mom now! Cool! I throw on jeans and a sweatshirt. It's baggy and navy blue. I like baggy. Baggy is comferting. I brush my teeth while combing my hair, anxious to see why I'm suddenly 17. It's weird, right? I really don't think this is normal. WHERE DID MY FOUR YEARS GO?!

Slipping my feet into my running shoes that are a totally awesome neon blue and green, I trot down the stairs...tripping on the last step. I catch myself thought, fortuantly. I have always been clumsy, though athletic. It's a strange mix which results in many bruises and dirty clothes that makes my mother go bananas. B-BANANA S! Hehe.

I grab a wildberry poptart, my favorite. I like the blue and purple, yum. They don't make them much anymore but whatever, I jut grab them whenever I see them. I like strawberry too so, I usually have poptarts for breakfast. I see a huge rusty truck in driveway. I didn't even know we HAD a driveway. Did my dad drive through rain everyday and not clean his truck for three years. Where is he anyway, I've got to know what's going on. I spy a note and pick it up.

Izzy,

I'm off to the station. Have fun at your first day at Forks High.

See you tonight.

Dad

Forks high? Forks HIGH? I'm in Forks? I...have a rusty red truck. My dad...is off to the station. Omigod. I cover my mouth with my hand in shock. Am I...Isabella Swan? No, I decide. I'm still me. Isabella Pure. But woah, is this weird. Wait...the Cullens! This is going to be awesome! I can play with Emmett and no way am I doing Izzy Barbie. And I can show Edward how idiotic and ignorant he is. I'm not going to have to kiss him, am I? Ewwww

I sprint out into the rain, anxious to go to scool. I throw myself into the truck then stop. How do you drive? Ummmm...

I shift the little geary thingy back and press the hopefully gas pedal. The car doesn't go anywhere. Okay, that's the brake then. I press down on the other pedal and gasp as I move backwards. I'm driving! Once out of the driveway, I slowly manuever the wheel. Thank the gods that Dad taught me how to steer when I was ten. It's pretty scary but awesome at the same time. Am I saying awesome to much? I don't know, awesome is just such an awesome word. It's AWESOME! Ha.

I see the brick building and start to laugh. They are small! They don't look anything like a school, though why Bella would want chain link fences is beyond me. I suppose they would be fun to climb on. I like climbing. It's awesome. Again with the awesome Izzy? Weirdo. SHUT UP! No, it's fun to tease you. YOU'RE ACTUALLY TEASING YOURSELF TOO. Ohhhh.

I need to stop these mental conversations. I park and prepare myself. Now, Izzy, do you want to be the shy girl in the back or the kickbutt girl in the front. Ugh, attention. The back. But then, people would stare at you. I guess I can be shy and kind but not to those slutty popular girls, like Jessica and Lauren. And Rose. SHE IS GOING DOWN.

People arrive, pointing at my really weird red rusty truck. I'm going to call you Rusty, I think fondly. Okay, not fondly. Who could like this car besides Bella? I want a hybrid...maybe when I befriend richo Cullens. They love spending money.

I climb out of the car, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my light green jacket. It stands out a bit, I notice. Everyone else is black with a few other colors. I walk into the office, my neon blue backpack slung onto my shoulder. It says peace on it, I thought it was funny. Like, when I walk away, it says peace. I wanted to say bye but I like peace better. Peace out. (-)

Ms. Cope has that violet shirt on, immediatly making me feel overdressed. Haha, nah. I'm just messsing with you. I doubt a plain shirt can make that tiny girl engulfed in a huge sweatshirt overdressed.

"Hello," I greet softly. I can't help it. With friends I'm loud and talk above the speed limit, but with everone else, little old Pure goes silent. But if they are mean to me or a friend, sassy Izzy is out with claws. Rawr. "I'm new here."

"Ah yes," she replies sweetly. I like her. "Isabella Pure." So I do have my name! "Here's your schedule and papers and map. Get this paper signed by each teacher." I feel a flash of annoyince. What? Am I going to skip school the first day? Pfffft.

"Okay." I turn with a goodbye and walk creep out to my first class. I have the same classes as Bella. More proof.

Even MORE proof comes when at the end of first period, as I'm slipping my books into my backpack, a guy turns around. He looks friendly so I don't pretend not to notice him. He has black hair that is slightly greasy and a little acne, but whatever. Teenage years, what can you do?

"Hi," Eric says. "I'm Eric." I know. "You're Isabella Pure, aren't you?" I inwardly roll my eyes. Noooo I'm experiment 5.439941294894879.

"Yes, but call me Izzy." He nods and offers a hand. I shake it. It's slightly damp,but,hey, teenage boy. I wipe my hands on my jeans hoping he doesn't notice. He doesn't

"What do you have next?" Er...I check my schedule.

"Goverment." I studied body language when I was 13, which was YESTERDAY so it's still fresh in my mind. His pelvis is angled towards me,pupils slightly dialated which shows attraction and intrest. Urgh. But his shoulders are curved slightly, that oil slick black hair slightly covering his eyes. Disappointment. But his shoulders uncurve with sudden confidence. Uh-oh.

"I'm going near that building, I can show you." Bella was too shy to tell him no but I know where this is going and I really don't want any admirars.

"No thank you. There's a big fat four on it. I think I can find it." The last thing is slightly tinted with sarcasm but I hope he doesn't notice it. I watch him carefully. I only see a slightly crestfallen expression, no sign of hurt, but I still feel guilty. "Sorry." I whisper as I leave the room.

Ah, goverment, where I meet Jessica Stanley. Bella was silly, being friends with the schools top gossiper. I am so not going down that ship.

"Hi, I'm, like, Jessica Stanley." You are not LIKE Jessica, you ARE Jessica. What is with teenagers today and their slang? Ugh, I sound 40.

"Izzy," I reply curtly. Her fake smile falters a bit before it's back. I roll my eyes, this time not bothering to keep it in my mind.

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to sit with me at lunch!" I ponder for a second. Angela is a great girl, I would love to be friends with her. I'll become her friend later, no need to sit with the hormone dripping boys and jealous girls.

"No thanks." What? I still need manners. Her mouth drops open, eyes popping out. Bet she never got rejected from anyone but the Cullens. Ooh the Cullens! I'll sit with them. Oh wait, Eddie will want to eat me. Eh, I'll tell him to hold his breath.

"Why-why not?"

"Because I know the kind of person you are. You are the slutty gossiper, a crush every week, who plans on befriending me simply because I am the new shiny toy girls want to witch with a b about and boys want to sleep with. But let me tell you, you have no right to do this about any girl. Sure some girls might not be hot, they might be nerdy, they might be single but they are still people, and better people then you I might add.

" I am not going to steal Mike from you. Hades, I don't even want to. He's so innapropiate and just wants me for my body. But he isn't getting it. No one is getting it and I don't need you to tell me everything about the school. Half of it is rumors anyway. And tell that witch with a b Lauren that I don't like Tyler. She can have that weirdo." I strut out of class just as the bell rings, smirking. I like being sassy. It's awesome.

I walk into the cafe. Hmmm what to eat? What to eat? Oh! The Cullens food. I start across the lunch room, my eyes trained on the Cullens. Hmm, Jasper will be thirst so I won't sit next to him. Rose will be jealous if I sit next to Emmett. Defintaly not sitting next to Edward. Ah! Alice! Yeah, I'll sit with her!

When I'm two tables away, I can feel everyone's eyes trained on me, hear the gasps as I close in on the vampires. MWA HAHAHA I'm awesome. Alice's eyes flicker up to mine and widen with shock. I veer around Jasper, giving him enough space and sending him a shoot of calm. It's much better when you know what's going to happen. Of course, I don't, but whatever. I detail from the book but I don't give a fudge. It's MY life now.

"Hi," I smile. Alice smiles back as I slide into the seat next to her. Her eyes are still wide though, all the Cullen's are. I look at Edward, his brow is furrowed. I grin.

"Hold your breath." I then stretch and swipe the apple of his tray. His eyes widen and flash to mine. I beam at him. I then take Emmett's chocolate milk and Alice's salad. I nod in thanks and take a bit of the crisp apple. Yum. Mom's allergic so I don't get much apple in my home. Or I didn't used to. I suppose I can eat them at Dad's all the time now. Cool.

"So...how's life?" I snicker at my little joke. They look confused and Rose glares. Whatever, she'll like me someday. Sigh, I don't really want to be a pregnant 14 year old in an 18 year olds body. So maybe she won't. Eh, I've got Emmett and Alice. I shoot a grin at Emmett now and take a sip of his chocolate milk, watching his eyes pop out of that marble head. Hehe.

"Did you just steal my family's food," Rose hisses at me, her glare boring a hole. Down, vamp, down.

"Not like you're going to eat it," I shrug. Jasper studies me and I wiggle my fingers at him. "Boo." Alice giggles. I lean back, comfertable in the chair. Time to let them know what their dealing with. Creep them out a bit.

"Any other questions?"

"Why are you sitting with us?" Alice. I grin.

"Cause I'd rather sit with ya'll bats then sluts." Rose's lip quirks. THERE IS HOPE!

"What makes you think we aren't going to eat our food," Edward asks.

"Cause you're annorexic. Next question," I order, laughing on the inside at Edwards dumbfounded expression.

"Why'd ya call us bats?" Ah, sweet little Emmett.

"Because you're in the corner all alone just sitting there, not even talking. Made me think of bats." I shrug. Nice lie Izzy, nice. Edward's brow is furrowed.

"Trying to read my mind Mr. Edward Anthony Mason Cullen?" His eyes meet mine, dark as coals. I wrinkle my nose.

"What are you talking about?" The line is smooth, but I see the gears working in his brain. He's wondering if I know. He's wondering how I know his name. Time to put his mind at ease.

"Eh, I don't know. I just had a dream last night bout a guy with red hair who was reading my mind. You have red hair and the same expression." He nods.

"Now peace out little humans! Time for me and Eddy to go to Biology." Then I pause. "Actually, Edward, go home. Skip this class. Trust me." I leave without meeting their eyes, tossing my food in the trash. I smile then skip to Biology, happy as could be. MWA HAHA, I left them wondering. How evil is that?

I sit in my seat, ready to do the whole lab by myself. I stink at the microscope but I know I'll get three right from the book! Yay.

Suddenly the door opens and Penny Head walks in. He didn't listen to me? Gulp. I'm going to die. Goodbye sweet world! Goodbye!


	2. Chapter 2- Breaking Twilight! -- Sup?

**(A/N This chapter isn't quite as long. Sorry. :) I've been kind of reading this over. Just a quick skim. I think, I'm not sure, but I think I need some...help. What do you guys think? Please tell me...in a REVIEW! You know, this character is all me. Some of these were actually things that were happening as I typed it. Like the dog scene. Most things I wrote as they came into my head. Honestly, I can say I have little to no idea what I said. Just the general things. So if it's really really weird...I guess you know I'm really really weird. :) I hope you enjoy. I'll update soon. Maybe tomorrow if I get some decent reviews...*wiggles eyebrows*:) ENJOY HOPEFULLY!)**

"Idiot," I hiss, knowing he will hear me. Come on, you've got to admit it. Stupid! Who does something their not supposed to? Besides me of course. He flashes me a crooked grin and I glower at him. What? It's cute, but I'm pretty steamed. At lunch I sat so the wind wouldn't blow my scent to him. And all my efforts to waste. Stupid sparkely vampire.

"Stupid spakely v-olvo driver." Did you like that save? I did... I get up, no way am I getting eaten! You will have to drink my blood over my dead body! Which would make the blood lukewarm. And who likes lukewarm blood? I know I don't. What? I suck my own blood, okay? I'm a freaky half vampire, I wish. I guess he could heat it up in the microwave.

I'm careful to stick to the other side of the class. I grab a ball of lint, I collect it (I know, weird), and roll it into a ball then start rubbing it on my skin. And NO, it's not because I'm crazy. It's because I am a freaking genius! Bow down to ultimete Izzy Pure!

So, you see, I'll hand it too him when I pass. That way he can get used to my scent. I know, I know, they'll probably know I know. But hey, then I'll know they know that I know, and they won't know. Woah, to many knows. I like knowing though. And pie. Especially pumpkin. I like bacon too. MMMMMM delicious. Oh, and whipped cream. Oh yeah, I love pileing it on hot cocoa then spraying mouthfuls afterwards. Creamy creamy heaven. Yum.

Ooookay. Off topic. A LOT off topic. Hey, isn't Off Topic a store? AGH! STAY ON ONE TRAIN OF THOUGHT IZZ!

My awesome smelling lint ball is ready, so I speed over to him and press it into his hands. I'm out with a quick, I'm going to barf, to the teacher. Well, I'm not going to say that I'm racing from a blood thirsty vampire who is in love in my blood and who's baby I will have. Wait...I'm going to have a baby! I've always wanted a child. Not at fourteen though...I guess I'll LOOK 18...

"Oh baby I'm a vampire! Come and let me sparkle! Make em go AH AH AH as you suck their BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! Boom boom boom, we are whiter then the moon moon moon. Boom boom boom, we are whiter then the moon moon moon!"

Firework, vampire style. WAZZA!

I'm lieing in my COMFERTABLE bed with my awesome dog, Cash. He's midnight black. You know, that was his original name. Midnight, that is. As a puppy, he was so cute and black so yeah, Midnight. Then my step dad called and said his name is Cash. Okay, sure. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! MONEY! Gotta love Donald. Trump, that is.

I have another puppy, Elvis. He's a boxer...a lazy one. He's adorable though, so I'm happy. He's sweet as well, where as Cash growls when I pet him. I growl right back. My mom calls me dog. My stepdad calls me alien. I call me alien dog. -_- Boom.

That's when I get a bacon awesome idea. I SHALL CHANGE TWILIGHT! It's my life now, right? I'm making it WAY more awesome. Because, I'm awesome, and that's what I do.

Plus, Cash just totally left my room and now I'm bored. And what do you do when you're bored? Mess with Vampy minds!

"HEY," I scream. "DON'T SNIFF MY TWILIGHT BOOKS!" Sorry. Cash just came in and...well you can probs guess, huh? Yeah...

I'm going to die. I'm going to freaking die. I want bacon before I go.

I'm driving. A cause for MAJOR panic. I mean, I'm thirteen (er...I look 17). About looking 17, it's kind of sad. So when I'm 20, I'll look 24? Ugh. Oh, wait. I won't hit twenty. It's weird thinking about it like that though. I'm going to live forever. OMBB (Oh my bacon bob), I'm going to live FOREVER! With my husband (weird. 14 and married) and daughter (again. Weird.). Yeah, weird. Maybe I'll get changed at 20...nah! Haha.

Wait, back to dieing and driving and ding dong de ding dong. I'm at the Cullen's driveway, awesome right? It was so freaking hard to find! Can you be ANY more remote? Gods. I park faraway, not wanting to freak them out. They'll know when they hear my heart- Alice. Alice probably already saw...hmmm. I will eat bacon! I will eat pie! I will eat! No I won't. I'll play soccer! I'll jump off a cliff! I'll kiss Edward...then vomit. Ew. Hehe, I hope Eddie boy sees that one.

I walk, crunch crunch on the stones. "Crunch crunch," I whisper. Oh Captain Crunch! I love that ceral. It tastes really good. Mmm, the original is the best though, obviously.

I can practically SMELL the Cullens now. Delicious. Okay, that sounds wrong. But you would understand if you could smell them!

I know they know I'm here. I mean, they can hear my heartbeat. It's quiet though, I'm not scared. I know I SHOULD be, going to a house of VAMPIRES but, come on!, how bad could it be? Really really bad, I guess. ...Whatever.

Sometimes I worry about myself. My mother does too. I'm really considering seeing a therapist considering I see vampires and ghosts. No one else does though. So either I have the SIGHT or I'm crazy...Of course I see vampires though, duh. The Cullens. But even BEFORE them. And they had fangs...

I had a pet dragon also. I forget his name, it's been a couple months and I'm horrible at names. Sometimes I forget my own. Anyway, back to real life.

I trip up the white steps and fall onto the door. Ow. I hear a chuckle from inside. I know it's Emmett. Jasper's chuckle isn't that deep and Edward's chuckle is like...okay, I actually don't know but I'm pretty sure Eddie no bass.

"I heard that Emmett McCarty Cullen! I know back in the olden days you were a drunk idiot who used women and ran with the wrong crowd, but that doesn't mean you have to be a drunk idiot NOW!" I said mess with their heads and OH am I messing with their heads.

"How do you know my name!"

"I HAVE SPECIAL POWERS!" The door suddenly opens and since I was kinda rolled against it, I somersalted into the house with an 'oh!'. I look up, my cheeks tingeling in that obvious burn of a blush. Of course, I might not be blushing. Don't have a mirror.

"Hi Carlisle. I must say, you are the most immpresive of all." And the vamp doctor's eyes furrow as a growl echos. I frown, retracing my words. Oooooh!

"Oh! That's not what I meant! I meant what you do for a living!" The growl ends and Carlisle's stone face smooths out. I want to touch it. What? I like ice cold stone. I wonder if I could iceskate on their skin...

"Can I iceskate on your face?" I giggle at how ridiculoes that came out. And the brow furrows once more! Wow, this could entertain me for HOURS. You know what else entertains me? *Grin* That stamper in the library from middle school where I was at, oh, I don't know, a couple days ago. It's the one where when you stamp down, it twists and the ink thing swivels to press the date on the paper. I don't really know how to describe it. I just know I played with it for a LOOOONG time. Just ask DoctersCoolnessandMerlinsBea rd (how many times must you CHANGE that thing and why oh why so long? Ha, you know I tease my dear DCAMB! What, it's too long! I abbreviate. Sue me. Or rather...don't.).

"You remind me of the stamp at my library." I beam up at the vampire and he gives a hesiant smile back. I then bolt up, like lightning! I even shock Carlisle. -_- Boom. I speed straight. towards. the. pixie. AND BAM!

"Ow!" I laugh as I hug her. "We are going to be best friends!" Alice gasps shocked, and Jasper is instantly there. I let Alice go and his threatning face turns smug. Oh no you don't! I lunge at Alice's husband.

"Hi Jazzy Poo! You are da best soilder ever!" I wrap my arms around him and HE gasps. I laugh when...all the sudden I'm flying through the air. He must have thrown me. Hehe, this reminds me off my dad. You see, we had just had Rita frozen yogurt and he was going for the Reeses. THAT is not allowed. So I charged. And he threw me off. And I slammed into the wall. "WEEEE!" I scream as I fly!

And then I hit the wall. Ooh, now I get why they say not to mess with vampires. That hurt! I crumple to the floor. Somewhere in the house, Esme gasps. What is with these gasps? At least I'm supposing that it's Esme. I start laughing.

I have this...problem. I call them laugh attacks. I laugh super hard and I start shaking, my laughs quiet. I'm usually curled up in mirth or I just completly took a painful hit or something so people think I'm crying. That's apparently what Esme thinks because she is immediatly at my side.

"Jasper," she scolds. "You hurt her!"

"No," silly Jazzy protests. "She's not hurt!"

"She's crying," Alice says.

"She might have bruised her back...if she's lucky." Carlisle joins Esme on the floor. I can tell cause I'm awesome. Plus another hand joins the cold one of Esme. And that new hand is probing. I jump to my feet, emitting a scream from a vampire. SCORE!

I double over, still cracking up.

"Oh my," Esme breathes faintly. "You're right Jasper." Ah, how I love sweet Esme.

"Ah, how I love you Esme Anne Platt Evenson Cullen. I can't believe how Charles Evenson could every hurt such a sweet heart." Esme blinks, stunned.

"Um, thank you dear. How did you know my full name." I give a large creepy smile, occasionall giggles bursting from my lips. Calisle looks very worried. For my back or mental health, I wonder?

"I have powers dear Esme. I know every one of your pasts, including Alice's." I smile gently at Alice who looks shocked. I rub my back, getting quickly bored in the silence.

Then a large booming voice breaks it. Finally. "AWESOME!" You can guess who that was.

**(A/N Yay! Around 2000 words! It was Emmett, if you couldn't. Anyway, hoped you aren't scared for life after this sneak peek into my mind XP. See ya soon! Or, uh, I don't know. You'll read my story soon I guess. Eh, whatever. Peace!**

**Bite on peeps!**

**Sayanora Sweethearts! (AF reference) :3 )**


	3. Chapter 3- Whipped Cream and Eye Poking

**(A/N This is a quick filler. *shrug* It's 8:30! My bedtime is soon! ENJOY THE CRAZINESS OF MY MIND!)**

I look at Carlisle, a smile lighting up my face. Clapping my hands, I jump up, and start dancing around to everyone's horror.  
"Do ya have any whipped cream," I ask. He slowly nods and I race off to the kitchen. I quickly slam in, and open the fridge door. Grabbing the bottle, I spray it into a cup...to da brim!  
Running back to the room I throw the cup at a startled Alice, and do an awesome flip onto the couch. I land it (WOAW!) and snatch the cup from the pixie. Beaming at her, and shouting a thanks, I start eating the whipped cream with my tounge. They watch me, shocked. I smile. I've captivated the vampires.  
"Hello, glittery fairy princesses!" Emmett is immediatly there and I recoial in shock. Then, laughing again, I raise my fist for a fistbump. He complies, a bit to harsh though. Shaking my hand out still laughing, I ask him whats the problem.  
Seeming to remeber it, he says "I am NOT a fairy princess!" I raise an eyebrow.  
"You glitter in the sun, do you not?" He grumbles and falls back next to me. I smile at him. Dang, I'm a smiler, huh? I point at Edward. "He, however, is not a glittery fairy princess." Emmett pouts while Edward grins smugly. Ooh! Time to knock down that ego. "He's pale white, thin, and sucks up blood. I know what you are," I whisper dramatically, still licking at the yummy whipped cream. Edward's face shows horror. I turn to Esme. "This is very good whipped cream Esme." She smiles, a true one, for the first time.  
Turning back to Edward, I frown. "Didn't finish that thought. Anyway, I know what you are." I pause, letting that sink in. "A tampon." Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett burst into laughter as his jaw drops. "Sorry Eddie, I needed to deflat that ego." I wink. "You're a vampire."  
The laughter instantly stops and I jump up, walk over, and decide to take advantage of his frozeness and wide-eyed-ness. If that's even a word. I reach out...and...POKE HIM IN THE EYE!

**(A/N Just a quick filler to tide you over until I can update on Saterday. :) I'm AUDITIONING FOR HIGHSCHOOL ON SATERDAY! AHHHHH! :) Wish me luck!)**


	4. Chapter 4- Insulting the Disco Ball

**Hee. Hee hee. Well…I finally updated. Okay, okay! I have an excuse! It's**

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**Okay, I got nothing. Just tell me how you're planning to kill me in the reviews *which is a hint if you're too dumb to get it. Of course, dummies aren't daring to read my fanfiction. It's too high intellectually for 'em. **

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**Ha.* and read the 'effing chapter. XD**

"What the hell," Edward yelled. I looked at him, confused. Confused. That's a funny word. Hehe. Coooonfuuuused!

"Are-are you mad at me," I whimper. "I want you to like me, I want you to be my brother. Hell knows I won't be like Bella." They looked at me like I was crazy, which I probably was.

"Who's Bella," the empath asked softly. I studied him. Cute blonde bro-flow, those weird yellow eyes, really white skin (I'm just too white and nerdy, I'm just too white and nerdy!), and that cool pattern on his skin. Scars. Oh, that must have hurt epically. But…he seems nice and has to deal with a lot, so, I decided to treat him to da answer. Cause I am just THAT awesome.

I point at Jazzy. "I like you the best." Alice laughs and nods with a quick me too. "And Bella is Edward's 'Mary Sue' mate." I frown at Edward's stunned face. "Honestly, she would have been a bit more independent without you. You made her the biggest setback in feminism since the sandwich. You physcotic, controlling, stalking, wimp. " Edward looked at me with a glare. Oi! KEEP CALM!

"Where is my mate?" Sigh.

"Protective much? You haven't even met her yet. But you did in Twilight…then left in New Moon, sucky book by the way. I practically cried out of boredom. Blah. You had this huge forced love triangle between you, Bella, and Jacob. You got married in Breaking Dawn and had a kid. You know," I frown. "If you hadn't left Bellsy, you could have concluded that whole series in, like, two books. God, and the whole relationship was just lust. Keep your hormones in check, dear boy." Emmett laughed because we are like, soul siblings. We two peas in a pod…already.

"What happened to Bella," Esme questioned. I stick my tongue out absently as I consider the question. To tell…or not to tell. Eh, I'll tell. I'm not one for lying. Much…hehe.

"You guys are fictional." They look at me incrued- incu- incruedenc- incruldelatly? URGH I forgot how to spell it. You know what? Forget it. "I'm serious! You guys are the product of a wet dream that was had by Meyers!" They don't believe me. Suckers.

"Okay," I sigh. "Maybe not all of you…unless she took out the affairs of Bella with the whole Cullen family…and Jacob…and Mike…oh! And Aro! Ewwww." I grab my backpack (when did that get here?) and pull out the series (When did THAT get here?). Lemme make this clear, y'all. I don't like Twilight! No! No! Potterhead all the way! But…I read it when I want a laugh. Come on, "SMOLDERING TOPAZES!" *swoon* Not. "Read these with your creepy vampire speed!"

Not surprisingly, it took Emmett twice as long to finish the book. Did you see that? THREE T's in a row! OMG! tt t! Coolz! It's like…spelling alliteration. Jasper raised his hand. I smiled at my favorite Cullen. Yers Jazz? And I meant for that 'r' to be there. All obvious spelling mistakes are on purpose. Usually. And the 'yers' is one of them.

"Why didn't Meyer go farther into Leah? She was a decent character." Looks like they don't care they are fake. Heehee...ANYHOO! In the real world (or fake? Eh, I don't know.) I gasped. No! I slowly stood, wiped the whipped cream from my nose, and lunged at Jasper. I know, I've already tried it and got thrown across the room, but, come on. JASPER IS AWESOME!

I actually landed on him (owssie…) and hugged him tight. I could feel him tense in shock but he kept breathing. Aw, thanks Jazz…for not killing me! 'Course, that's not something you usually feel gratitude for, but then, most people don't suck vy blood! The 'vy' was on purpose. I was trying to say it in, like, a Russian Accent. Eh.

"I so get what you mean!" I told him, my voice squeaky in glee. "Leah is a bitch but an awesome character! She had so much potential but nooo Bella HAD to take all of the attention." I could feel Jasper nodding. Duh, course I'm right.

I looked around at the rest of the room. Alice is blank (vision!), Esme and Carlisle are talking under their voices, and Emmett is re reading the last chapter, confused and obviously frustrated. I distinctly heard him mutter under his breath, "what the hell is this ending?" I know, bro, I know. Edward is, obvi, sulking.

"Bella sounded amazing," he sighed wistfully. I gave him a "you crazy?" look. Alice is still blanking (crazy!).

"Why? Because she let you control every part of her life? She had low self-esteem, sat back, let her vamp boy-toy do all the work, got married at 18, had sex, got pregnant, and almost died! THAT HEALTH TEACHER IN MEAN GIRLS FUCKING TOLD YOU!" Edward scowled at me.

"No," he growled.

"Yes," I argued.

"No."

"YEEEES!"

"No, no, no!"

"Admit it stalker!"

"NEVER!"

"Come on Ed-worm Sullen!"

"Shut up!"

"Never! ADMIT IT BATTY!"

"No, I will not ever admit it because-"

"Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!"

"…hey!"

"**Dear Edward Cullen,**

you sneak into little girls' bedrooms and never grow up…

**Real original, asshole.**

_Love, Peter Pan."_

"What the hell?"

"SHUT UP 108 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! YOU ARE A SPINLESS PALE PATHETIC FAIRY, AND YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE! YOU'RE A BABY, NOT A MAN ARE YOU!"

"Hey, 'I'll make a man out of you,' Mulan. Nice," Jasper praises. I grin full of pride.

"I know, right? Edward?" He growls…again. Baby. "I think you should stop reading minds. It's kind of an invasion of their privacy. I call it mind raping."

"Yep, that describes it perfectly," Rosalie agrees, without looking up from her fashion magazine. When did she get that? Eh, never mind.

"Anyway, disco ball," I'm interrupted by ANOTHER growl! "Yes," I say sarcastically. "Cause nothing says scary like a man wearing glitter."

"I resent that," Jasper mutters. "We're supposed to be freaking scary bloodsuckers and we glitter in the sun like we're gay."

"Well," I reason. "Edward is gay." Even Esme has too stifle a giggle. Edward stares at his 'Mommy,' betrayed.

He turns back to me. "I am not! I got married and had a kid!" I grin. He just opened the line in my joke. I got out my Iphone 4, 5? Whatever. Anyway, I apparently got this awesome phone I've been drooling over when I…what did I do? Whatever, I don't want to strain my head again today by thinking. And yes, that was a bash on myself. You may be asking why. Why? Because I'm a winner. And winner's do what they want. Except break the law. 'Cause that's what makes us winners. And I'm a winner. And winner's do what they want. Except break the law. 'Cause that's what makes us winners. And I'm a winner. It's like, the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Okay, this is troll dung. I should just, get to the point.

"Troll dung." They stare at me, not getting my obvious thought process. God. They stare a lot, have you noticed? Clearing my throat, cause there's something goopy in there (prob' saliva.) I turn on the phone. It takes a couple tries, it's really difficult.

"You fucking phone," I scream. "Open up you piece of shit. YOU DIED WITH STEVE JOBS, DIDN'T YOU? Oh, not talking huh? Think you're so cool, huh? Guess what? I tried to see things from your point of view, but couldn't get my head that far up my ass! You're as useless as a screen door on a submarine! YEAH! You are proof that evolution CAN go back! If you spoke your fucking mind, you'd be speechless! Look I'd like to help you out. Can you tell me which way you came in? Aw, don't be mad. Don't be blue. Frankenstein was ugly too! Hey, if you're going to be a smartass, you have to be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass. What, am I condescending? Do you even know what that means? If you had another brain, it'd be lonely! Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. Yuck Fou! And I finish with-" Carlisle hands me my Iphone with a sigh. I study it. Unlocked.

"Well, call me a fruker la de da whipped cream banana! When did you do that?"

Carlisle smiles. "Somewhere between the insults 'Oh, not talking, huh?' and 'I couldn't get my head that far up my ass.' Creative, by the way." I smile back.

"I looked up insults on google. Always. Works." Rose grins up at me from her spot on the floor.

"Thanks for your ideas!" My eyes widen, my mouth drops.

"Shit! What have I unleashed!" Emmett looks at me gravely.

"A bitch."

"Crap…"

"Understatement of the year," Jasper sighs.

"…Major crap."

"Still an understatement."

"Fuck."

"Better."


End file.
